Q: Ever since I told my best friend (who is my Maid of Honor) I was getting married, she has been acting cold and distant. What gives?
Friday, August 28, 2009 at 9:30AM 
You're getting married! What an exciting time for you. Actually, it is one of the most exciting times in your entire life. You have found the absolute love of your life, and he loves you back! Birds are chirping beautifully, roses smell just a little bit sweeter, and you feel as if you're walking on cloud 9. Wow, what a rush, huh? Now you have to do everything you can to remember this wonderful feeling and relish in it at every possible opportunity. No one should get you down during this amazing time, but unfortunately, some might try. Yep, there's just something about weddings that can bring out the worst in people. Some pretty awful emotions have been known to rear their ugly heads around wedding time, and there are a few key people who are usually the ones to fall victim to these nasty feelings. One likely victim is your Maid of Honor. It's strange, right? She has been the one who has been by your side through everything... offering support, encouragement, and kindness for as long as you two have known each other! So where is the support, encouragement, and kindness now?!
There are four possibilities for why she is acting this way and the reason might be one of these, or maybe even several of them.
1. Jealousy: You are probably completely ecstatic right now, showing-off your ring at every opportunity and re-telling the story of how he proposed to everyone, including the mail man. There is absolutely no reason why you shouldn't be doing these things. Again, this is one of the most exciting times in your entire life! But if your Maid of Honor doesn't have a similiar story to tell (maybe she's single, or just went through a tough break-up, or has been waiting for her guy to propose for as far back as she can remember) then she might be getting a bit tired of all your celebrating. It's not personal, she really is esctatic for you. After all, she is your best friend and your happiness means a lot to her. But sometimes, no matter how hard we try, we can't seperate our own feelings of personal disappointment with happiness for someone else. So think about how she is feeling. And if you think it's possible that she's genuinely trying to be happy for you but just having a difficult time with it, then cut her some slack. It would probably wouldn't be easy for you if the situation were reversed. And although we try to be the best friends and people we can be, everyone falls a little short sometimes.
2. Selfishness: A selfish Maid of Honor might be someone who is accustomed to having all the attention on her at all times, and is therefore upset that the spotlight has been shifted toward your direction. But that is not acceptable behavior. It is in the "job description" of a Maid of Honor to be your doting sidekick, offering endless encouragement and celebrating right there with you. After all, you would do (or already have done) the same for her, right? Of course, you can't take advantage of her services so make sure you keep her Maid of Honor duties in check. For example, calling her at work and telling her to take an early lunch to help you choose the perfect shade of white for you shoes is going waaaaaay overboard. It is also important that you make a huge point of staying up-to-date with her life. Remember, friendship is a two-way street so you can't allow your big news to overshadow all the great things that she has going on in her life. If she just got promoted at work, then take her out for a celebratory dinner and make a point of not bringing up the wedding once. But if you feel like she is acting inappropriately by selfishly trying to steal your thunder, then a conversation is definiely in order. Find a quiet and comfortable place to talk, and then share your feelings. Don't choose a bar or a loud restaurant, or she'll only be able to hear every other word and might not realize how important this is to you. Make sure she understands that you are truly having a tough time with her behavior and changes definitely have to be made. Also make sure you tell her how much you appreciate her being your Maid of Honor and that there is no one you would rather have by your side on your wedding day. Then tell her how you would absolutely do the same for her if you were her Maid of Honor. If you've already been her Maid of Honor (and you feel confident that you did a great job) then maybe remind her of that, and provide specific examples of the things you did and would like reciprocated by her. Give her the opportunity to respond and share her feelings, and make sure you really listen. You want your friendship to remain intact long after your wedding day so do whatever you can to minimize any long-term hurt feelings, both yours and hers. Hopefully the conversation will end with her telling you how sorry she is and that she will do everything she can to be more supportive. Then you will be able to slip right back in to a state of wedded bliss.
3: Disapprovement: This might be the trickiest one of all. What do you do when your Maid of Honor doesn't approve of your engagement? First figure out if she disapproves of you getting married in general, or if she has a problem with the person you are getting married to. In either case, it is your life and not her call. If she disapproves of you getting married, find out why. Maybe you two made a pact as children to not get married until you were 30. Or maybe she always thought you would marry her brother and that you two would be sisters. If it is a situation like this then maybe she's feeling betrayed, or her feelings are hurt because she's realizing that there is a big thing that she didn't know about you which, to her, lessens your friendship. If that is the case, then invite her to lunch and talk about it. Tell her that you never thought that you would be getting married at this age, but he changed all that, and then explain why. Be open to listening to her concerns and be appreciative that she's sharing. It is a best friend's obligation to let you know when she thinks what you're doing is questionable. She probably talked to you about the bright orange dress you were considering wearing to senior prom, right? And thank goodness she did! Could you imagine the pictures?! Seriously, of course she wants you to be happy but if she's having real concerns then she might be having a very difficult time watching you head in a direction that she doesn't think is right for you. Like you trusted her judgment with that bring orange prom dress, maybe you should trust it here too. Listen to her concerns and decide if they are legitimate. If you conclude that they are not, then assure her of how grateful you are that she shared these things with you and what a great best friend that makes her. It couldn't have been easy for her. But respond with why you would like to go ahead with your union and ask for her support. If she gives it to you then this will all be water under the bridge. If she can't, then you might want to consider nominating a new Maid of Honor. You don't want that negative energy so close to you during one of the happiest periods of your life.
If your Maid of Honor's problem is with the man you are marrying, again take her to lunch and find out what's up. If there is something she knows about him that you don't then this will be an important opportunity for her to bring it to your attention. If she just doesn't like him for one reason or another, and it's nothing in particular then that's a different story. Of course you hope that the two of them will get along so you can host fun dinner parties and take family vacations together someday, but it's not the end of the world if they don't. It is perfectly normal for friends to have different tastes in men. What works for you might not work for her, and vice-versa. That is absolutely no reason for you not to marry the love of your life or for her not to support you! Life isn't always perfect, and friends are there to support each other through the imperfections. Seeing your face light up when you talk about him should be more than enough of a reason for her to support you 100% and if she still doesn't then the least she can do is fake it! But if she can't manage to pull it together, then you might want to consider a new Maid of Honor. Again, negative energy is nothing you want to have to deal with throughout your wedding planning and especially on the day itself.
4. Obliviousness: This is probably the easiest one of all. Life gets hectic, we all know that! And if your Maid of Honor is a workaholic who barely takes the time to water a houseplant then she might not have any idea of how important her presence is to you right now. Especially if she's never been a Maid of Honor before, she probably doesn't realize how much help is expected of her. She probably figured that her obligations consisted of buying her dress, putting it on, and standing next to you at the altar. As irritating and stressful as this probably is for you (since you do actually need a lot of help) its a simple enough issue to resolve. Send her a quick email saying something like this: "Hey you, I know how busy you are so I tried to help by searching the internet for Maid of Honor resources and I thought it might be easier for you if everything was in one place. So I found an article on The Knot. Here is the link http://wedding.theknot.com/wedding-planning/bridal-party/articles/maid-of-honor-duties-in-detail.aspx and I would love to hear your thoughts. Thanks so much for being such an important part of my life every day, and especially on my wedding day!" After this, the problem should be solved. Well, unless she doesn't take the time to read the article and respond. If that happens, then maybe you should print the article and deliver it to her personally. And if that doesn't help then maybe she's actually dealing with one of the other emotions above. In that case, re-read items 1-3.
Reader Comments (1)
My kids sometimes complain when other kids get stuff that they don't. I keep reminding them of something I read in the Bible: Rejoice with those who rejoice, mourn with those who mourn.
I wouldn't crack jokes at your funeral...try to be a little happy for my wedding! :)